so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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