Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
