I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
