so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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