I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
