Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
