she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
