I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
