I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
