I think my vagina is haunted
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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