There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
