He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
