you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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