there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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