I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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