woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
A+ Viking dick
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