from now on my penis is your penis
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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