Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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