I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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