I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
