you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
