I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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