just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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