i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
