A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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