Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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