Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
