He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
