You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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