Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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