Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
