I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
