Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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