i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
