Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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