I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
