So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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