I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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