She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
