answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
