Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
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I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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