i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
