Got a toothbrush?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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