I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
