I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
