Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
This is my gift to your gina
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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