When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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