I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
