apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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