giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
