90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
