i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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