if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
