So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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