Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
