his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
