My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the day after is always just damage control
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
