We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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