So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
