Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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