imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
