Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
