why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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